Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
You Might Also Like
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.