I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
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Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke