So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
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Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
When your man makes a valid point
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.