“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
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[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.