judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
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Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!