Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
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I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.