This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
You Might Also Like
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.