Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
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Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.