In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
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Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?