I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
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How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here