DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
You Might Also Like
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening