ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
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I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel