Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
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There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.