“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
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[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.