Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
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-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Watson was Holmes schooled
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.