People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
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Saint West, the patron of selfies
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Follow me for more recipes
*power walks to the refrigerator*
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.