Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
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What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Monday?
No. Next question.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend