Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
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Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
when there are deer in the woods
Fights fire with marshmallows
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?