That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
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Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture