Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
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Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
🤣
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
I can’t wait!
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
#winning
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…