Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
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I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*