I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
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blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.