Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
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My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*