i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
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I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe