drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
You Might Also Like
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”