So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
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I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms