Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
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[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.