A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
You Might Also Like
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Very good! 👍😂
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Bring back the McRib
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
At least my masseuse has my back.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
This kid is going places
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.