Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
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Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10