JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
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People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.