Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
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When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”