girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
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I have two kinds of followers
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK