I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
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Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.