Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
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The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
The most important meal of the day is the next one
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
just pretend nothing happened
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them