John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
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Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
car not found
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”