ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
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There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.