I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
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No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?