ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
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Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.