You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
You Might Also Like
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band