DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
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*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
motivation
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.