My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
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[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we鈥檇 be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
I鈥檓 won鈥檛 try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Not helping
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that鈥檚 not an indictment of free will, I don鈥檛 know what is.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you鈥檙e dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
sliding into dms like
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 馃檭
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
If Mother Earth were real she鈥檇 leave us all outside the fire station.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
The most dangerous game but it鈥檚 just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”