THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
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Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.