Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
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“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
english majors be like furthermore
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
HELP 😭
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.