WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
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Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant