THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
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friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
meow
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
going to the ER y’all need anything