Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
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Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.