[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
You Might Also Like
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
FINE, I WON’T.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
this is the best interaction on twitter
Blew out my flip flop…
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
checking out some reviews of my local library
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
I can’t deal with men any longer
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.