I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
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someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
when you order from DoorDastardly
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot