If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
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How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.