Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
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COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.